For nearly 18 years, I served as a member of Adam’s Road, proclaiming the Gospel of Christ through my personal testimony of leaving the LDS Church and coming to faith in Jesus. I shared my story from hundreds of pulpits, through countless outlets online, and in my own book, Passport to Heaven. My testimony has been seen and heard by millions of people around the world. I have prided myself as a witness of the Gospel, a faithful husband, and a loving father. 

 

But I have failed. Catastrophically. 

I confess, with unbearable shame and embarrassment, that I have been involved in reprehensible sexual misconduct and moral failing during my time in ministry. I have betrayed the trust that was placed in me by my family, friends, partners in ministry, publisher, and those of you from all over the world who have embraced me as an ambassador for Christ. Like the prodigal son, I abandoned my place at my Father’s house and squandered my inheritance in the world, and in the end I found myself face down in the mire with the pigs. I am disgusted by what I have done. I am sickened by the many innocent people who have been caught up in the humiliation of my sin and punished along with me. They should not have to carry the weight of my transgression. I am ashamed of myself and my foolish actions. I truly am a wretched man. 

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God’s truth brings all things to light. The light has shone in the darkness and exposed the works of evil in my life. I take full, unequivocal responsibility for the ungodly deeds in which I have engaged, the details of which have been fully revealed to those in my spiritual oversight. Since my iniquity has been exposed, I have been under the counsel of mature Christian men whom God has graciously placed in my life to help guide me down the long and painful road of repentance and restoration. 

 

When this all began, and when God brought my wrongdoing to light, I felt as though I was drowning in a treacherous sea of my sin, the waves of which were relentlessly pounding upon my soul and crashing over my head. With each passing moment I felt the crushing weight of my own guilt and disgrace bear down upon me without reprieve. For a time, it seemed impossible not to hate myself and feel as though I would never climb out of the pit of despair, or to not think that I had sinned so greatly that the grace of God could no longer reach me where I was. In moments of doubt, I was convinced I was lost beyond salvation and that God could never forgive me for the evil I had committed. I knew I deserved death and hell. I was in the darkest of nights with no light of hope before me. My life seemed over. I wanted it all to end.

 

Throughout this excruciating season of being pressed under the agony of my transgression, I experienced a heart-rending sorrow that only God knows. I cried out to Him all through the day and night, mourning and groaning because of the tumult of my heart. I wept uncontrollably as the firm hand of the Lord came down upon me. I could see so plainly the depth of my sin and wickedness as I bowed down prostrate before God Almighty. My anguish was like an unquenchable burning fire. God was correcting me, chastising me, and disciplining me with His strong but loving hand. I have been broken and humbled through my fear of God and His holiness. I have been naked before the throne of the Lord, my sin laid bare before Him, willing and ready to be punished for my iniquity; for I am an unworthy worm. I have thrown myself at the mercy of His righteous judgment.

 

As I waded through this tremendous suffering and anguish of my soul, God’s marvelous light eventually pierced through the darkness. Through the power of God’s Word, I was reminded of what I had been sharing to the world for nearly two decades: God is love, and in that love, He sent Jesus Christ to die for our sins. Yes, even mine. As King David proclaimed, “The Lord has disciplined me severely, but he has not given me over to death” (Psalm 118:18). Within God’s great mercy, He has offered me forgiveness through faith in His Son Jesus Christ. He has offered me hope and life, redemption and restoration. And He showed me that the power of Christ’s cleansing blood is greater than my treachery. “Blessed are those whose lawless deeds are forgiven, and whose sins are covered; blessed is the man against whom the Lord will not count his sin” (Romans 4:7-8). All of my sins have been cast into the depths of the sea. Praise be to the God of Abraham, Isaac, and Jacob! Truly, He cleanses the unrighteous and liberates the captive. He remembers our sins no more.

 

Although I had boldly proclaimed God’s grace in Christ for many years, it was not until I was at the bottom of the pit of despair, my life hanging by a thread, that I truly realized the depth of God’s steadfast love toward me, the chief of all sinners. Nor could I previously comprehend the infinite cost that Jesus of Nazareth paid for my sins as He was beaten, maligned, and crucified for me. Jesus endured an unimaginable pain to pay the full penalty of my sin as He bled and died on the cross. That price even includes the most horrific sins of mankind. This is the greatest expression of love we can ever know, and nothing—not even our sin—can separate us from the love of God in Christ Jesus our Lord. This love is my salvation.

 

I want you all to know that I won’t allow the atrocities of my sin to define me. God’s grace is greater than the worst of our sin, and Christ suffered unspeakable pain for the sake of that sin so that we could be forgiven through faith in Him. I am more resolved now than ever to be a witness of His great love in whatever capacity He can use me in my weakness. Every day the Lord is mercifully pruning my heart, mind, and flesh. He is gathering all the evil within my body of death and burning it with the chaff. It is extremely painful, but in this corrective pain I praise God for loving me enough to change me and not leave me where I was. God is faithful to the end.

 

For years I have confidently witnessed that Jesus is enough. Even though I have always believed that statement with all my heart, I’m not certain that I fully understood what it meant. Now, as I sit with my earthly life crashing and burning all around me, I have to believe now more than ever that Jesus alone is sufficient for me. And as I suffer the loss of all things because of my own wickedness against God, I have nothing left but the hold fast to Jesus alone. And I won’t let go of Him, nor He of me. I have come to Him, one who was heavy laden, and He has carried my burden. In Him, I find rest.

 

No matter what happens, I will not deny my testimony of Christ, His Word, and His Gospel, nor will I deny the power of God to have worked through me despite my horrific shortcomings. God’s goodness is infinitely greater than my evil. The wrong I have done does not invalidate the indisputable truth that the Bible is the Word of God; Jesus is God in the flesh who died for the sins of the world on a cross, was buried, and rose on the third day; and by faith in Christ, sinful man can be reconciled to God. This is Good News for all people.

 

To the lost, broken, sinful, hopeless, and destitute, wherever you are and whatever you have done: Jesus loves you! He died for you. He paid the ultimate price to set you free from your sin. There is nothing you have done for which Christ did not die, and no road traveled from which He cannot rescue you. You are not too far gone. In Christ, there is always hope. Remember the words of Jesus: “Those who are well have no need of a physician, but those who are sick. I have not come to call the righteous, but sinners, to repentance” (Luke 5:31-32). Admittedly, I never fully felt I could relate to the stories of the prodigal son, the lost coin, the lost sheep, and the adulteress woman cast before the feet of Jesus. But now I can, because I am each one. I see that I am the most wretched of all sinners, and yet God has redeemed me, and He can and will redeem you if you turn to Him and trust in His forgiveness. No one is beyond the reaches of His amazing grace. That is my testimony now. 

 

This has been the greatest test of faith I have ever experienced in my life. No matter what happens from this moment forward, or what earthly loss I may incur, this is my commitment: I will not stop serving the Lord of lords and King of Kings, nor will I cease to be a witness of His love and mercy. Jesus Christ is the Way, the Truth and the Life. He is the Savior of all who believe in His Name. He is King, and He is returning soon. Repent, and trust in Him alone for your salvation. If you do, you will have life eternal.

 

“The Lord is merciful and gracious,
   slow to anger and abounding in steadfast love.
He will not always chide,
   nor will he keep his anger forever.
He does not deal with us according to our sins,
   nor repay us according to our iniquities.
For as high as the heavens are above the earth,
   so great is his steadfast love toward those who fear him;
as far as the east is from the west,
   so far does he remove our transgressions from us.
As a father shows compassion to his children,
   so the Lord shows compassion to those who fear him.”

 

Psalm 103:8-13

 

Grace and peace.